changing my life

As I was looking through pictures from a family vacation I came across this one. The water is so clear and the waves kept coming over my feet. It meant something to me when I looked at it this time. My life has been a bit of a struggle lately but as I look at this picture with the water washing over my feet it is almost as God is trying to say that I am forgiven for my mistakes these past four months and I am forgiven and washed clean. I can restart and do things the right way. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. How great it is that this could touch me like that. I will continue to press on and change my life and become stronger in him!

Broken Inside

So how can words explaine how I feel at this moment? I wish I could stand on a hill and scream at the top of my lungs, cry......I do not even know what I want to do at this moment in time. Maybe lock myself in a room hoping that when i come out everything will be gone, gossip will stop...... As bad as it sounds because I am a Christians, I hate Christians... The way the judge everysingle thing you do. All I want to do is befriend a friend who I know has no christian influence in his life, and as soon as I do that I am one of them? I do not understand.. I too have morals and values, I stand for what I belive in, I will not change because people want me to. Of all the people right now its like Christians are the one who push every button inside my body. I feel like i could dissapear and no one would even care, but when i sit down and think about that, I know that people would care. Why cant I just live without people talking right now? I wish that I could hide from all this, but somehow I know that if I hide things will get worse, still I do not know how to face this, i do not know what to say to people.... I just want things to be back to where i was happy, happy to face the days, happy to wake up because it is a brand new day.. Why does all this have to happen to me.. Why do I have to feel so broken inside? Why do I feel like nothing can mend me back together.... like my heart is in a million peices... i just do not understand.. If one thing.. i wish i could run to someone and talk, I know i can run to talk to God, i just need to have someone i can talk to in person, someone who will not care if I cry, someone who will listen... i just need someone.....

The greatest dancer

So everytime I look at this picture my heart begins to beat, I get a smile on my face and joy inside. It makes me feel grand and not embarassed to say this is my sister.. look at her. When we grew up i used to feel so "little" compared to her. she came onto stage and she had a presence that I wished that I could one day have. No I can look at her and say, "I am so proud of this girl" If I could go back to a dance competition tomorrow, I would feel honoured to compete against such a great dancer, an amazing person, someone that I know that I will always be able to look up to.
If you ever come across this jess, i wish someday to be so close that i know i can tell you anything even when i feel ashamed of it, and i know that it is starting already and i can not wait for it to develop even more! Love you sooo much <3

A little bit of a mess.....

I get to see this beautiful sight everyday. God opened up a door for me to work as a lifeguard at a summer camp. I have seen so many hurt kids and teens come in two weeks then i have ever seen in my life. I have been able to speak into their lives, befriend them and know that they are loved. It has been amazing. Every morning i wake up to this sight, everynight i get to see the sunset on this same feild. I am where I love to be, in the wilderness, far from civilization, but in a way i love coming out of the bush and into life, into the world, back to where i came from. God has done so much in my life these past few weeks. I am still working on feeling like im whole again, there are days where I feel like my smile is broken, but I trust God will help me work out everything in these next few weeks. And I thank him everyday for taking me on step closer to where he wants me to be. And that is all I have to say today

broken

BROKEN. This is what i feel like, like my smile doesnt work, that im not okay. I feel torn apart and stepped on.. I dont know what do to. I feel at the lowest in my life. Im broken. My heart is in peices which can not be put back together. I need Help. Lord I call out please help me. Lord please help. Take me into your arms... I need you more then ever. I feel worse than i look......

do you know?

Dance was once a huge part of my life, and then I gave it up. I gave up because i didnt feel thin enough. Didnt feel pretty enough, did not think that I could do it anymore. I look back and wish that the flame was still going strong. I pray that God would bring it back to me, the coals are still hot, i just need to feed the coals with fuel and start dancing again, not caring about who is watching or what one person is going to say. It is beautiful in Gods eyes because its a passion that was put into my life.

Landmines

So looking through my pictures I have come across this one. The game of landmines. A large area filled with mines with nothing but a voice telling you where to go, which direction to face, where to step next. Its kinda like God, even though we can not see him, we can hear him. Hear his voice directing us, telling us what we shall do next. Could you imagine in this game in you decided to do you own thing? You would die from stepping on a land mine.
When God tells us things i know he knows exactly what hes talking about. But sometimes i think, maybe it would all be easier if you couldnt see but hear his voice, You would have to trust more, have more faith. Totally rely on God who would get you through no problem at all.